Life with A Gambling Addiction..

Negative Thoughts by a Recovering Addict

“When we allow negative messages to fester in our head, they take on a life of their own.” – Lolly Daskal

I wasn’t going to write in my blog this evening as I felt I had nothing positive to say. Then I remembered I had promised readers the whole truth from my blog and not just talk of my good days. I would like to confirm just now that I have not gambled.

When I woke up this morning, I had a horrible feeling of sadness. I didn’t understand as I had such a great time last night, catching up with friends from the past. When I went to bed yesterday evening, I had been feeling really happy and ready to take on whatever was ahead of me. So to wake up feeling as low as I did, was a shock to me. I felt empty inside.

The day went on and I was preparing for work in the late afternoon. The feeling from this morning still hadn’t shifted. Thoughts began to race through my head, I started to think that I couldn’t battle my addiction anymore, that I wasn’t strong enough and that I had made too many mistakes in the past and was just going to fail again and make another. Why were my thoughts so negative all of a sudden?

I sat down an hour before work and decided to give some serious thought to what was going on in my head. I eventually clicked at what had been getting to me. For the past week I had been missing someone I cared for, terribly. All the thoughts that had been going through my head, I realized were a trick of the mind. I was subconsciously trying to cover up what had really been upsetting me and my addiction was preying on this.

The person whom I missed is someone I care dearly for. I thought it would be best that I cut contact, whilst getting help for my addiction. I didn’t want them to see the highs and lows of what I wasn’t going to go through. Unfortunately, this didn’t go to plan and I ended up making matters worse than better. The person I speak of had been really supportive about me getting help and unfortunately got the brunt of what I was going through. This person I would say, helped me the most and had been called out for everything and anything and did not at all deserve this.

My biggest regret is that I did not stick to the plan of no longer maintaining contact, until being in a fully healthy state of mind. The person has now seen me at my worst and no longer wants to be a part of my life. I can’t blame them either. The reason I got back in contact with this person was because I was scared. I was scared that whilst I was gone, they would replace me. That they would find someone else, move forward with them and forget all about me. It hurts me thinking about it, typing this out. My self esteem has drifted away over the years and I often worry a lot over things, most of the time needlessly. Inside I’m constantly fighting the feeling of no longer being good enough. I put on a front to the world that I am a strong, confident, proud young woman. Yet I am so far from this.

One of the main reasons I decided to write a blog, was to get everything out of my system. Any thoughts or fears I had and put them all down on here. Before I began my blog, I felt I had no way of expressing how I was feeling about going forth in my battle against addiction. No one close to me could relate to what I was going through. I was about to take a massive step into the unknown and it was incredibly frightening to me. With me not expressing myself, I had a lot of thoughts surrounding my circumstance. Many were negative and made me go back and forth. One minute I would tell myself I was right to seek proper help, then minutes later my thoughts would have went in the opposite direction and I would be convinced I was already too far down the line. I took my frustration out on those closest to me. It now looks like the person I mentioned before, may no longer be part of my life because of this. It breaks my heart that this could be the case. I love this person, a lot more than they know. I would go to the end of the Earth and back for them. Yet, I’ve struggled to show this lately. I hadn’t been thinking about how they had been feeling or the effect my words had on them. More than anything, I wish I could take it all back.

When I started my blog I promised to tell of the ups and downs that I was going through. We all know that recovery isn’t easy. There are the good days, the success stories and then there are days where you just don’t feel so great. What I would advise from what I have learnt today, is to not allow your addiction or any negative thoughts to trick you in to thinking you can’t continue to move forward in your battle, when something else is going wrong in your life. In addition, I feel the most important lesson learned today is to show your care and appreciation towards those who help and support you in life. I have made the mistake in not doing so recently and I regret it massively. Please don’t do the same as I have.

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